If "Twilight" Was About Dragons

Ok forgive the grammatical error in the post title. I'm just copying it from the title of the story. (It should be "were" because it's the subjunctive....and now you're falling asleep, sorry--back to the point of the post).

This story is probably funnier if you're at all familiar with the Twilight series, but even if not, it's an amusing read. So dive on in to the next great American bestseller: Enter the Dragon.

My one complaint? No guest appearance by Trogdor.

The blogger/author says about himself, "I’ve been writing semi-professionally for the internet semi-soberly for the past few years. Writing for the internet is to literature what aimlessly punching statues in the nuts is to karate, which is to say that it makes me slightly more qualified than your average, mentally disadvantaged homeless man."

Neutral Man's Burden

This is one of the funniest editions of "The Word" on the Colbert Report in recent memory. Colbert has a brilliant take on the grilling of Sotomayor and the difference between how she is lambasted for making a comment about her background helping her make judgments and how Alito three years ago was applauded for discussing his own family's Italian background. Apparently life experiences make you a better judge...if you are a white male. If you're anyone else, well, you're a clear Band-Aid (watch the clip).

My favorite line is the first one about touching a hot stove. Love it. Thanks to Smark for sending me this.

Pug Pushing a Pink Stroller

Exactly what it sounds like. I'm not a huge fan of pugs, but this video may just have changed my mind. Sure to make your Monday a bit happier!

He's Created a Monster!

Nothing says threat to society like amusing roadside art...good thing the fine police force of Raleigh got this NC State Dr. Frankenstein off the street! No word on what happened to Frankenstein's monster. I hope he survived the sting.

Arlington: The Rap

If you've ever spent any time in Arlington (or comparable Northern Virginia suburbs), you'll love this rap ode to the hood. I especially like the homage to the Orange Line of the Metro, a route I grew to know and love-hate during my summers spent in Nova and DC. And the Stabucks, the Starbucks, the Starbucks, the Starbucks...

Thanks to Geeps, my favorite Arlington resident, for the link.

Zack Attack

Yes, yes, I know...this was all over the internet today, so everyone and their brother has seen it, but I can't resist posting it on the slight chance that one of my dear readers has NOT experienced this joyful nine minutes of nostalgia.

Watch Mark Paul Gosselar appear on Jimmy Fallon's new show in character as Zack Morris. We learn several things from this:

1) Zack Morris is not only cooler than Jimmy Fallon (obviously. Zack is cooler than 99% of people and Jimmy Fallon doesn't exactly set the bar high), but he's much funnier. I know the point of this was for him to steal the segment, but he does so a liiiittle too well.

2) Great stage makeup (with copious amounts of bronzer) really can erase 20 years.

3) While the Zack Attack had a great song in "Friends Forever," what we really need is a performance from "Hot Fudge Sundae."

4) Gosselar's new show "Raising the Bar" probably saw strong ratings for the premiere based on that segment. I kind of feel obligated to watch next week simply to thank Gosselar for making my afternoon. Plus, it also has Gloria Reuben who played Jeanie on "ER" and Jane Kaczmarek from "Malcolm in the Middle." Oh, who am I kidding---I'll wait till it comes out on Netflix.

Worst. Advice. Ever. Srsly.

On a much lighter note than yesterday's post, here's a funny compilation of the absolute worst, cheesiest, schmaltziest, moronic-er-est, most cringe-worthy advice tidbits from those terrible 6.99 books you find in the bargain bin at the bookstore or in gas station checkout lines. This blogger claims he read 24, 504 of these gems (tidbits that is, not complete books)--whether or not he's exaggerating, he clearly read more than any human could be expected to withstand without vomiting on his or her shoes. I tried to pick out a few of the funniest, but I gave up because the list was too long, so read for yourself.

Note: this picture has nothing to do with the post, but it's my favorite LOLcat, and I think that's as good a reason as any. I also recognize that some people feel as much hatred for LOLcats as this dude blogger does for cheap advice books, but I happen to LURV LOLcats. They are soooo six months ago and stupid and overdone...and they make me laugh every time. So there.

Lindsay on eHarmony

This has been all over the internet: Lindsay Lohan creating her own spoof (ish...) eHarmony profile. She may be a bonkers but at least she has a sense of humor about herself. It's also a pretty smart ploy to get the general public to at least slightly like her again. Worked on me.

Rachel Maddow on Tea Parties

O. M. G.

Why do these Republicans just make it SO EASY for pundits to make fun of them??? Don't strategists have media people who are supposed to filter unintentionally inappropriate catchphrases? I mean really. I would like politicians to please pay me a lot of money so I can tell them what to NOT call their protests (i.e. avoid any phrase that is a blatant, gross sexual euphemism).

Kudos to Rachel Maddow for not completely dissolving into laughter and tears while delivering this segment. That's poise.

Baby Hula Hooping

He don't need no stinkin' hoop! Thanks to Leslie W. for this priceless clip.

Portia de Rossi on Prop. 8

I heard Portia de Rossi on the radio the other day and was reminded of how funny she is. I wish she were still playing Lindsay on Arrested Development (may the show rest in peace, till the movie comes out at least). This is a great faux PSA clip from her as a lesbian woman apologizing for all the pain and suffering she has caused to pro-Proposition 8 demonstrators injured in the line of duty.

Caturday returns

For old times' sake...a Caturday thread! LOLcats: mostly gone but never forgotten.

Whoooah-OH! Livin' on a Prayer!

Awesome guy dancing to "Livin' on a Prayer" at a Celtics game. Probably the world record for the longest the Jumbotron has focused on one person. That's kind of what I look like when I sing that song on Guitar Hero World Tour, minus the adoring audience and dramatic stairway descent.

Kittens! Inspired by...Kittens!

There really are no words I can use to explain this, just watch. Happy Friday! ( and thanks to Leslie W for the link)

"Is this real life???"

This poor, poor kid is going to die of embarrassment when he is a teenager and all his friends see this video of him on YouTube. In a nutshell: kid needs dental work, kid gets the happy gas, dad videotapes wasted kid on the car ride home. Comedic gold.

"I Love Jesus, But I Drink a Little"

I'm not a big talk show fan (unless you count The Daily Show and Colbert), but I do enjoy Ellen. The star of this clip, however, is not Ellen but her 88-year-old fan Gladys from Austin, Texas. Gladys has a few helpful suggestions for Ellen and some priceless comments about her own life. I love funny old people. I wish I could hang out with Gladys.

Obama: He Completes Us

I posted this Daily Show clip on Facebook back when it came out last August, just after Obama had clinched the Democratic nomination. Given the crazy fanfare of last week's inaugural festivities, I thought it deserved another viewing. Remember back in August when we thought perhaps Obamania had calmed down now that he had finally beaten Hillary? What sweet little naiive children we were. This send-up applied to last week just as much as it did to last fall, if not more so.

All jokes aside, it's the most exciting time of all NOW. It's the CIIIIIIIIRCLE OF LIIIIIIIIFE.

Be sure you watch to the end. The last shot's the best.

Worse than a Snuggie?

I didn't think anything could possibly be more ridiculous than a Snuggie, but these Jumpin Jammerz may qualify. The patterns and the drop-seat option push them over the line and into first place. A good laugh for a Tuesday. I'm sure all the adults modeling the outfits on the Web site have officially killed their already dying careers in fashion.

Thanks to Lauren's blog for alerting me to this um, phenomenon. Lauren, did you seriously order one?? HAHAHA.

"The Word" on Statute of Limitations

During the height of the election season, I thought "The Daily Show" was much funnier and sharper than "The Colbert Report." I think Colbert's making a comeback now, however, with gems like this edition of his segment "The Word." The link is to the entire show, but that segment runs from about 6:40 to 11:04. Deadpan as usual, Colbert brings to light some ridiculous and unjust uses of the statute of limitations laws surrounding discrimination cases (his character, of course, supports the Supreme Court's idiotic reasoning in the cases). Here's hoping for some changes in those laws once Obama takes office...

Amazing Family Portraits

Awe-inspiring family and individual portraits from the last few decades, complete with witty captions, courtesy of Olan Mills, Sears, and so on. Note: by "family" I do not mean these pictures are of MY family, thank goodness. My siblings and I definitely have taken many dozen Olan Mills photos between us, but lucky for us my parents opted out of the cheesy fake backgrounds (and the mullets). I do believe we have one of our whole family wearing matching denim shirts, though...egad.

Good find, John.